Moments with Marauders
by TheAwesomenessThatIsDumbledore
Summary: A pointless collection of oneshots starring your favorites, strictly for hilarity. No romance, I promise!
1. The Stars!

**I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE the Marauders, to the extent that I needed to start this collection of oneshots, to be updated sporadically and continued indefinitely. THe most minute amount of romance one can use when doing a fic shall be used, though there may be exceptions (but they will be few and far between). Anyway…bask in the glory of the Marauders!**

Chapter One: THE STARS!

"And _that, _my dear children," announced Professor Trelawney in a misty (if somewhat disgruntled) voice, "is why you mustn't ever attempt such advanced Seeing as I have displayed today." She coughed, opening the trapdoor to let some of the smoke filter out.

Sirius Black and James Potter were slouched on two large pillows on the floor, seemingly unaffected by the unusual events of the past five minutes (though they had been at the center of it). Their eyes were half-closed, their heads propped up on fists. Obviously, they were above such foolishness as Divination was.

"Now," Professor Trelawney began, regaining her perch on top of an ornate wooden desk, "I bid thee your homework to turn in. Six inches on tea leaves, if my memory serves me correctly." And it usually doesn't, most would mentally add.

James and Sirius's eyes shot open. They abruptly went over the events of last night in their heads; neither recalled homework-doing in any way shape or form. James seemed to recall Filch getting rather agitated, but not the reason why. They all blurred together after a while, he supposed.

Sirius whipped a piece of parchment from his bag and began writing furiously in huge, 2-inch tall handwriting. James followed suit, frantically wracking his brain to remember what it was Trelawney had been talking about yesterday.

Speaking of Trelawney, she was drawing uncomfortably near, collecting homework. Sirius glanced down at his paper; all he had written so far was '_Tea leaves are'. _James wasn't much better off.

Then, all of a sudden, she was towering before them, bracelets jangling, and looking down at them expectantly. She held out a hand and said, "Papers, dear?"

James and Sirius glanced at each other, panicking. James's hand began creeping toward his 4-word paper, trying to think of a legitimate reason for having only written '_Tea leaves can be'._

"Er…" James stuttered. Sirius's eyes were clouded in thought.

"The stars!" Sirius cried suddenly, leaping up with such force he knocked over the table, dousing their tablemates in lukewarm tea.

James caught on quickly. "The _stars, _Professor…" he began, slightly calmer than Sirius had been, in some semblance of Professor Trelawney's mysterious tone. "…they simply aren't _aligned _for homework completion…"

"Yes!" Sirius cried. His eyes darted across the room, finally landing on a mobile of the solar system. "Uh, Venus is much too bright for us to be studying tea leaves!"

Their professor's eyes sparked in interest, so James hurried on.

"Yes, can't you see? It would, er, upset the natural order of things-"

"-and ultimately lead us all to our doom!" Sirius finished theatrically, clutching his heart and stumbling backwards, then finally collapsing on the floor. James wondered for a fleeting moment if that was taking it too far, then shook it off. It was a perfectly reasonable apocalypse.

"So I'm sure you understand, Professor, why we didn't find it worth the lives of millions to complete the essay." He said apologetically.

"Of course, of course!" Trelawney exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "Oh, _wonderful _Seeing, boys, simply _marvelous-_ten points to Gryffindor!"

James and Sirius had the decency to blush modestly as the classroom erupted into applause.

**This is the old Trelawney, Sybill's sister, though her name escapes me. Rate and review. Phoenixes are born from ash, so flame on.**

**P.S. Sorry to people reading Max Martinez! Don't worry, this won't disrupt it's updates, unlike countless other things in my life.**


	2. Furry Little Problem

**Chapter 2: A Furry Little Problem**

"For your homework this week, you are going to be working with the rest of your tables. Each group will be given a different magical beast with a high danger level to write thirteen inches on, to be turned in on Friday." Professor Ochstenburke, of Defense Against the Dark Arts expertise, pulled a piece of parchment out of his robes and began reading off tables and beasts.

The Marauders looked at each other gleefully from different sides of the table. Normally professors had the common sense to split them up, but ol' Burkey was a bit lacking in that department.

"Misters and Misses Evans, MacMillan, Scamander, and Finch will be working on Quadropeds. Smith, Wood, McIntire and Littleton will be doing Acromantula." He droned on and on, and to be honest, Remus was the only Marauder paying attention at this point.

All of their ears perked up, however, when he recited, "…Misters Black, Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew will write about werewolves…"

Remus groaned, slouching in his chair and closing his eyes. Peter flushed excitedly. James and Sirius, however, laughed out loud and exchanged high-fives, much to the confusion of the rest of the class.

It was going to be a long week.

.:*:.

"So, what do we know about werewolves?" Peter asked innocently, sitting in the Gryffindor common room with the rest of the Marauders. "I've set up a Quick-Quotes Quill."

"We know that they are only 'high danger level' during the full moon." Remus began, sounding miffed.

"Well, they're blonde, in their fifth year, and about 5'6." Sirius rattled off, ticking his fingers.

"They can be know-it-alls." James added.

"And sort of bossy sometimes." Sirius frowned.

"They've got a fetish for Hufflepuffs who happen to be named Nymphadora Tonks." James announced, making a not-so-subtle allusion to another girl in their year.

"Or maybe that's just a thing for bad girls." Sirius suggested. They looked at each other, and simultaneously said, "Nah."

"Not _this _werewolf, you dunces, werewolves in general!" Remus cried, exasperated, a hint of a blush on his cheeks.

This, of course, was ignored.

"They've got devilishly handsome friends named James Potter and Sirius Black." James said wryly.

"Oi!" Sirius cried, offended. He punched James on the arm. "Why do you come first?"

"Just going by degrees of attractiveness," James remarked, then instinctively dodged Sirius's second punch.

"You're all stark raving mad." Remus stated plainly, running his fingers through his hair and closing his eyes, as if he was trying to restrain himself.

"Oh, you know you love it." Sirius replied, entirely unfazed.

"Not even you are immune to our charms." James said matter-of-factly.

"And Merlin knows there's plenty of them!" Sirius chuckled, earning himself a well-deserved Silencing Charm from Remus.

A long week, indeed.

.:*:.

"Now, boys," a puzzled sounding Professor Ochstenburke began, "I have to admit I was a tad confused by your essay."

"What about it, Professor?" Remus asked, concerned. Meanwhile, James and Sirius exchanged worried glances.

He pulled a piece of parchment from his robes. Remus recognized it as their essay.

"Well, right here for instance." He jabbed a finger at one spot on the page. "It says they're know-it-alls."

Remus felt a sense of impending doom.

The professor, oblivious, continued, saying "…there's a bit about Hufflepuffs…and here it says something about 'degrees of attractiveness'. I know you're an intelligent group, now, and I don't want to think you did this on purpose. But I am rather befuddled."

He looked up at them expectantly.

Remus sat there, stunned, and turned to face the rest of the Marauders wordlessly.

"Merlin…"Peter began, sounding terrified.

James and Sirius, as was to be expected, thought it a brilliant joke. They were fighting to smother the uproarious laughter fighting to come out, though the huge gulps of air they were taking and the way they were holding their sides gave off more of a 'clinically ill' vibe than the desired 'politely curious'.

"You-" Sirius panted, "got-the-wrong-paper!" With that, he collapsed into laughter, earning himself many strange looks from his peers.

"That was the Quick Quotes copy!" James guffawed.

Remus gaped at them, hardly able to believe what he was hearing. His hand wandered to his robes pocket, and pulled out a rumpled piece of paper titled, 'The Truth About Werewolves'. He silently passed it to a befuddled Professor Ochstenburke, saying simply, "That never happened."

**Oh, Remus… you should know by now that any semblance of sanity will be torn to shreds by James and Sirius!**

**But now I feel bad. I haven't updated MM in so long, but… well, to be honest, it got boring. I'll get on that soon, though, I promise!**


	3. Leap of Faith

**Sorry it's been so long, but happy Boxing Day! I"ve had a very Potter Christmas, complete with Leaky Cauldron sign and Alivan's broomstick.**

"Prongs, I haven't yet decided whether that was the coolest or stupidest thing you've ever done."

"Just like everything else we've ever done, it's a perfect blend of the two." James's weak voice could barely heard over the hustle and bustle of the Hospital Wing.

"Well, yes, but..." Moony seemed at a loss for words. "You took a flying leap off your broomstick, James. Doesn't that seem a little..."

"Amazing? Spectacular? Demonstrating a devotion to the game perfect for Captain?" James countered.

"All right, Prongs, I've made up my mind." Sirius declared. "That was the coolest thing you've ever done."

"I certainly hope so," Madam Pomfrey interjected. "It's cost you two ribs and a wrist."

After a pause, James and Sirius turned to each other and said simultaneously, "Worth it."

At that highly appropriate moment, the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team burst through the doors, nearly giving poor Madam Pomfrey a heart attack.

"POTTER! POTTER! POTTER!" They chanted, and someone sent sparks shooting from their wand above his head.

Madam Pomfrey looked beside herself with mingled shock and rage.

"Six visitors at a time!" She cried desperately. You're-you're-you're not six!"

"Keep your hair on, Poppy!" The Beater said. "Half of us are visiting this girl over here."

With that, a considerable portion of the team broke off and drifted to the corner. However, they didn't even look at the poor first year; instead, they just turned to face James.

"Why'd you do it, James?" The other Beater asked. "I was preoccupied with Bole."

James grinned, enthusiastic to share the story.

"So there I was," he began theatrically, complete with dramatic gestures. "That Slytherin Seeker, Flint or Parkinson or whatever, was chasing furiously after the Snitch. We were 150 points ahead, and if he caught it, that meant we'd have to play with them again, a probability i was none too happy about."

The entire room rolled their eyes collectively.

"If I could make this goal, the game would be won and the Cup would be ours! The Quaffle was in my possession, but I was too far away to throw with any accuracy or strategy. I urged my Nimbus on, but she was going full speed to no avail. Either way, that monstrous Beater of theirs was in my way, and I didn't much fancy crashing into him. So I did the one thing that could win us the game; I position myself to throw, and lunged over the bloke, lobbing the Quaffle as hard as I could towards the left goalpost."

"You jumped off your broom." Someone clarified.

"Well, yeah." James said defensively. "I knew I was sufficiently high for there to be enough time for someone to cast a quick Arresto Momentum."

"James, you imbecile, when you're really high that means you _don't _jump!" Remus replied, exasperated.

"All's well that end's well, Moony!" Sirius told him giddily. "We've won the Cup!"

A great roar went up from the team at that.

"Where is it?" James cried gleefully. "Let's see it, go on then!"

The monstrous trophy was produced from somewhere within the team. By now, the other half had dropped all association with the first year and were clustered around James's bed.

James took the Cup and held it over his head. "Take that, Slytherin!" He cried. The team all responded similarly.

Suddenly, a ripple of silence moved across the crowd. They parted at the middle, allowing Mr. and Mrs. Potter to emerge at their son's side.

"Oh no." James breathed fearfully.

Muttering excuses, everyone left. Though James and Sirius tried similarly, he grabbed their arms, hissing, "Oh no you don't."

"James Harold Potter." Mrs. Potter's rose in a powerful crescendo. "Have you no brains at all?"

Sirius and Remus were suddenly very glad they stayed.

"I-oh, come on, Mum, it was for-"

"Quidditch!" She answered for him. "A ruddy game of Quidditch, a match just like the countless ones you've been in before!"

James continued to stammer quietly, but his mother paid him no mind. "This wouldn't be your first loss! What on Earth possessed you to jump off of your broomstick like the suicidal idiot you were?"

"Erm..." James seemed to detect there was no right answer to this. "I... love you Mum?" He rushed out, but it became a question near the end.

"Oh, you must, to go leaping through the air and giving me a heart attack! Do you see this letter I got, James? Please, read it out loud!"

James took the parchment and read aloud,

"_Dear Mr. and Mrs. Potter,_

_Your son, James, has recently acquired injury while playing in the Quidditch House Cup. While we have yet to learn the details, a large majority of the spectators claim they saw him jump off his broomstick and over the opposing Beater in order to get a clearer shot. I was able to cast a Cushioning Charm before he hit the ground, but it can presumed that some harm was inflicted nonetheless. _

_SIncerely,_

_Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore."_

Not even Sirius could bring himself to laugh when faced with Mrs. Potter's murderous glare.

"Sorry Mum." James muttered, his face bright red.

"Oh, you bet you are." SHe replied fiercely. No more Nimbus this week!"

"WHAT?" Sirius, Remus and James cried at the same time.

"You hear me. You'll have to make do with a school broom for your ridiculous shenanigans." With that, she turned on her heel and stormed out of the place.

Mr. Potter leaned forward confidentially. "Here, James," He muttered frantically, shoving a small bag of coins into his son's hands. "This should cover a new broom; your Mum didn't realize it was smashed before she decided on that punishment. For the record, I think the move was spectacular and I wish I could have seen it. Here's hoping the Slytherin got hurt too, yeah?"

"Harold?" Mrs. Potter's voice drifted from the open doorway.

"Coming, honey!" He replied, and flicked one last Galleon at James with a wink. "You know what? Make that new broom a Nimbus."

**I lied. I'm never updating MM again, I really hate it. **

**Anyway, I think I feel a song coming on...**

**I'LL HAVE A BLUE BOXING DAY...WITHOUT REVIEWS! A VERY BLUE BOXING DAY, IF YOU DON'T REVIEW**


	4. Titters and Toerags

**I have always wanted to make a fic about the JPFC, and here it is. I think it's been a few months since my last update, but I said it would be like that in the first installment, so I don't feel guilty. So there!**

"This meeting of the James Potter Fan Club will now come to order!" Cried Cornelia McLaggen with a bright grin, banging her fist on her nightstand and looking impressively around at the girls who were clustered around her bed. For the occasion, she had taken out all of her prized Prongs paraphernalia: a quill she had once "borrowed", one of his old homework papers, some fluff from a Gryffindor scarf, and endless piles of mid-class doodles of James: him laughing, playing Quidditch, marrying Cornelia McLaggen... well, it was quite the collection. Her piece de resistance was a Snitch he had once caught.

"Presiding President-me-will now recite the minutes of last week's meeting." Cornelia cleared her throat importantly. "At six, we continued our discussion of James's hair from the last two weeks. At six-thirty, we tried to figure out if Sirius or James was funnier, with our favorite Marauder coming on top. At seven, we burnt, jinxed, and blew up pictures of Lily Evans. At seven-forty-five, we decided whose name would sound best with 'Potter' at the end of it. The meeting ended when Emily threw her shoe at Ashley for saying that Emily Potter sounded stupid and Ashley Potter was much better."

At this point, a blonde girl who must be Emily leapt violently to her feet, ready to protect her blossoming love.

"Emily and Ashley, you are both on probation and therefore are here to listen, not speak!" Cornelia reprimanded sternly. "Anyway, Jessica Edgecombe, our treasurer, will now collect the fees. If we all pay today, we'll have enough money to pay Sirius for a lock of James's hair!" The entire club squealed in delight at this prospect; every few weeks, Sirius would hold an auction of James's belongings. Though many of the small things were purchased by individual collectors (things like an autographed picture, a scrap of parchment sprayed with his cologne, or his middle name. You had to pay for Sirius to tell you James's middle name, and he hexed you afterward so you could never tell anyone else without vomiting uncontrollably.) while Jessica stood, holding an empty jam jar decoupaged with pictures of James and filled with Knuts and the occasional Galleon. Jessica had been voted unanimously for treasurer as the only Ravenclaw in the group.

"I will now pass to our Vice-President, who says she has the secret to getting a date with James." Cornelia said once the jar had gone around, her voice taut with excitement. She threw herself on the floor to make way for Delia Vane, who was currently looking very pleased with herself.

"Who do we all hate?" She asked the second she had settled herself in the place of honor. "Lily Evans!" The club answered simultaneously, their voices thick with loathing.

"Who does James love?" She asked, and the club tearfully replied, again, "Lily Evans!"

She paused thoughtfully. "How does Lily act around James? No, don't answer that one!" She cried when Cornelia opened her mouth to let out a string of insults and swears. "She's a _prat _to him. She calls him names and bullies him, oh, my precious James, she hurts his feelings and doesn't give it a thought! She stomps on his heart and doesn't look back! She... she..." Delia's voice, choked with emotion, had failed her. She swiped a tear from her face and closed her eyes, collecting herself. When she spoke again, her voice was hard and cold as steel.

"And James, he loves her for it."

The group was silent in heartbroken contemplation.

"So... so if we want James to love _us..."_ She trailed off again, but this time it was in suggestion, not woe. Jessica was the first to get the hint.

"We have to be mean to him?" She cried eagerly, her eyes bright.

"Exactly!" Delia concluded dramatically, throwing her arms into the air for emphasis. "If wenot only are jerks to him, but are also ten times prettier than Lily, he'll love us _even more_ than her!"

The group turned collectively to a pensive Cornelia. As president, she had the authority to veto an idea, but also try it out first.

"I will test this theory." She decided. "If he smiles at me, it will be deemed successful and the rights will be released to the general public."

The club exploded into enthusiastic applause. No idea had ever had such potential.

James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were all laughing as they took their usual seats at the Gryffindor table for lunch. Sirius had been so busy trying to scribble his Charms essay during Potions, he had let the cauldron overheat and consequently burp large quantities of the blue gloop onto James. He had been an odd shade of periwinkle for twenty minutes before Slughorn had any idea what to do about it.

"You looked like a blueberry!" Sirius pronounced, guffawing.

"Oh, did you see Professor Slughorn's face?" Remus laughed.

"I think your fingers are still sort of cerulean." Sirius added.

James couldn't even bring himself to be mad; after seeing his reflection, he too had collapsed into hysterics.

They continued to reminisce fondly, Peter trying (and failing), as usual, to be clever, until a large cluster of girls walked by, weird looks on their faces as they stared at the Marauders.

Remus frowned and turned to look at the rest of the group. "What was that all about?"

James craned his neck to look at them. "They're still staring at us. They look-I don't even know how to describe it."

"It's definitely Prongsie's group, I can see Cornelia McLaggen in there." Sirius added. He looked thoughtful for a moment, then grinned. "I've got it! They're trying to keep from giggling!"

"What? Why?" Peter asked, eager to look like he understood.

"Maybe they finally realized that you hate it." Remus suggested.

"Nah, that's never stopped them before. Plus, there's something else there too..." He tilted his head to the side, looking pensive.

"It's like they want to look mad, but find it extremely funny." Sirius said.

"That's it! They want to look like they hate James when really they're absolutely in love with him." Remus said, snapping his fingers.

"But why?" James interjected, looking thoroughly confused. "Doesn't that sound a little daft to you?"

"No one said they were sane." Sirius replied, sniggering. "I mean, they fancy _you, _right?"

"Oi! Shut up." James grumbled, and Sirius wisely ducked to avoid his best mate's half-hearted swing.

Remus laughed at their antics, but it was cut off by the arrival of Cornelia McLaggen.

"Hi, um, er, Potter." She said, her voice transitioning awkwardly from a high, breathy giggle to a vindictive roar.

James blinked.

"Hi." He replied simply, before going back to trying to injure Sirius in some way.

"Erm..." The girl looked like she was in extreme pain as she tried not to giggle. "Um, you...you have a... a stupid face!"

Sirius burst out laughing, forgetting to duck and thus subjecting himself to a shove from Prongs. James did not think he had ever been more confused in his life.

"Uh..." He turned desperately to Remus, the lone island of sanity amongst their group, in the desperate hope he would have any idea what was going on. Alas, it was to no avail, for he was laughing so hard it looked painful.

"That's not very nice!" Peter cried, offended; but both James and SIrius immediately replied, "Shut up, Wormtail."

The girl still had not left. She was staring at James expectedly, an excited look on her face.

"I...I'm sorry?" James asked, dumbfounded. "I don't think I got that."

She blushed a brilliant shade of fuchsia. "You heard me." She shot back in what was obviously meant to be a challenging tone.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" James pointed out.

"Yes, it does." She replied stubbornly.

"But it doesn't!"

"Your...your face doesn't make sense!"

Sirius exploded again, and this time, most of the rest of the Gryffindor table joined him. It was becoming pretty clear that this was the day's entertainment.

"What is it with you and my face?" James asked, honestly perplexed.

"I just think it's...um...really stupid!" McLaggen replied. This time, even the nearby Hufflepuff table laughed.

"Yeah, you established that." James told her, beginning to find the humor in the situation as well. Cornelia seemed to realize everyone was laughing at her, and somehow blushed even redder. Just when it seemed she was about to go running back to her friends, she seemed to spark with sudden inspiration.

"Ja-Potter," she cried triumphantly to the heavens, "you're an arrogant toerag!"

That one set the whole room off. Even typically subdued Ravenclaw was in hysterics. But James's grin slid right off his face.

"Oh, I get it." He said before he could stop himself. "You're trying to act like Evans!"

Down at the opposite end of the table, Lily suddenly stopped laughing as well.

"No I'm not, you... nincompoop!" She replied, but her wide eyes gave her away.

James was unfortunately unable to answer, as he and Sirius had both fallen off the bench with loud guffaws. Indeed, the whole room seemed to be shaking with laughter. Even Dumbledore was chuckling lightly to himself.

"Silence!" McGonagall cried, and maybe three people stopped. With a look of grim determination on her face, she stormed up to the front of the room and cast a Silencing Charm.

The abruptness with which the room quieted was alarming. Sirius and James seemed not to notice, though, as they continued to chortle soundlessly.

"I am extremely disappointed in all of you. Apparently one argument is simply too hilarious for you to exert any self-control." McGonagall told them all sternly, though the effect was slightly ruined by the grinning Headmaster behind her. She paused for a moment, looking from the mauve Cornelia to James, who was trembling from the effort to keep from laughing, as if unsure who was to blame. "Potter and McLaggen, you will be serving a detention together at 6 this evening in my office." She decided finally.

Cornelia smiled slyly to herself. This was the most successful attempt ever: not only did he smile, he also laughed, _and _she got an hour of alone time with him!

**Silly Cornelia, James is for Lily! ...or me! Jameslove aside, please review! I do love the little ping noise my phone makes when I get a review notification from FanFiction. It's almost as satisfying as the review itself. So, click that button and let fingers fly with praise, concrit, hyper ramblings or half-formed musings**


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